Toast (Back) to the Laddies
By Sarah Hess
When I was asked to do the Toast to the Laddies by John, I said oh I’m not sure, as I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to upset anyone, as I’ve only just arrived here.
John said no you’ll be fine just have to reply to what I say.
Well I certainly had my homework cut out for me. Your speech is 4 pages long – an essay in fact – and it’s all in small print, just so you could squeeze more on to each page. Thanks for that.
Which brings me to my first point; why is it that men only tell you what they think you want to hear and seem to miss out the important facts? Like it is going to take you at least a week or more to write the reply. Oh and you have to make it funny. Good luck to me!
So Iet the games begin.
Burns, bless his cotton socks was certainly a loveable rogue; by the sounds of it, quite a few women could have vouched for that. I’m sure if he was still alive today he would have fitted right in with today’s society. Being a rebel teenager, having long hair in a ponytail, the only things missing were the earring and tattoo. Being a philanderer, fornicator, a larrikin, a divorcee, he would have been on quite a few internet dating sites I’m sure, swiping left and right.
Which brings me to how times have changed since the May 1955 article published in Housekeeping Monthly, which you highlighted it in your speech.
Gentlemen, welcome to 2018. Now, this is how we get ready for your return from your hard day’s work:
More than likely I will be back home just before or just after you, so the chance of me touching up my make up – well, let’s just say you have a bucket’s chance. Oh, and that ribbon in my hair? I might be thinking of using it for something else later…. Pretend to strangle.
“Being gay and more interesting for him” – if you would put your phone down, stop playing games on your ipad and turn the TV off, I might make myself more interesting. How does 18.30 on a Wednesday evening sound? Yes, put it in your phone and the alarm will sound to remind you that it’s that interesting time of the week…you know the one that brings a smile to your face.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yes, the washing machine and tumble dryer will be going full belt this evening as I seem to be the only one who knows how to work it; it really is not rocket science chaps, it’s easier then working an I-phone, I promise. Press the switch on the machine that says “on”, turn dial to the correct wash program and press “start”. Nearly forgot you will need to put in one of those detergent tablets as I know you love the lavender and chamomile scent; it does smell nicer than sweat and your smelly socks! Yes, why do men’s socks stink? Don’t get me started on that one.
The children are quiet already, in their rooms and on there I-pads. Haven’t heard from them for weeks. I believe they are communicating silently with ½ the population of Scotland.
“I need to listen to you” …. Well, I’m listening – sorry you’re back on your I-pad. I would like you to listen to me – where is that piece of ribbon I should have in my hair?
“Make the evening his” …. well I actually would like an evening to myself, so I can have a relaxing bath, listen to my music, have a glass of vino, and go to bed early. So please come home late, maybe go out for dinner as I do understand your world is full of strain and pressure.
That cushion I should arrange and that offer to take off your shoes; speak in low, smooth and pleasant voice – yes, you are dreaming.
Yes, we can read you better then you can read yourself. You know, all those amazing ideas you have come up with? We have orchestrated them so you think they are your ideas. Birthdays are easy – it’s called Tiffany’s. Just the look of that blue box will always fill us lassies with joy. Every night could be a Wednesday night @ 18.30, if you’re lucky. You only have to listen to us, look where we leave the page open in the magazines, and all those subtle hints. But yes, they are always your ideas.
The point you make, of us remembering everything you’ve ever said? Oh yes… we have an elephant memory. We will remember when we have had our eyebrows tinted and you ask why does it look like we have 2 slugs above our eyes – not the compliment we are looking for. Don’t ever go down the bums – jeans track – that is off bounds; even us girlfriends don’t enter that one.
TIMELINES
Female – The lightbulb in the bathroom has blown. Three weeks later and the lightbulb still hasn’t been replaced and we’ve run out of candles
Male – There’s no need to be like that, I’m getting around to it, God, you are so demanding.
COMMUNICATION
Female– Don’t forget I’m doing dinner on Wednesday at 18.30.
Male – *Arrives back at 21.00* Sorry, (peck on the cheek), forgot to tell you that there was Rugby practice in Inverness.
Female– And how long have you known about that? (Remember to keep smile on face.)
Male– *Helping himself to a beer* Oh, it was arranged a few weeks ago. Why, did we have something planned…?
A few traits girls I’m sure you will recognise; he agrees with you, but then acts moody when he doesn’t get his own way.
He makes a non-descript mmm noise when you ask him a question. Five minutes later still no concrete answer. So you carry on as usual and do it yourself.
Burns was all the things we love to hate in a man, but he loved us females. Which is a good thing, otherwise his writing could have been quite different – and he might have landed in trouble, in jail or worse….
And Graham – as you have pointed out, this is how important us lassies were to him: “The finest hours that e’er spent amang the lasses O”.
Like any male he decided to make it easy for himself: he called three of his daughters Elizabeth, the easy part being that they were from different mothers. This was thought of as his affection towards the name; a poem thought to be written for Elisabeth Paton, a servant girl who worked in the Burns household goes;
My girl she’s airy, she’s buxom and gay
Her breath is as sweet as the blossoms in May
A touch of her lips it ravishes quite
She’s always good natur’d, good humor’d and free;
She dances, she glances, she smiles with a glee
The rest I will let you read at your leisure….
Not only did Burns love women, women loved Burns. Today, he would be a mix of Jack Sparrow and Brad Pitt. The lasses – along with Robert Burns – worked long hard hours in the fields and barley. Clearly this is where I’ve been going wrong. Just let me know where the nearest barley field is, and I’m there!
His poem “A red, red rose” has influenced a few major artists like Bob Dylan and The Proclaimers;
O my love’s like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June
O my love’s like the melodie
That’s sweetly play’d in tune
His work has appeared in hundreds of films: It’s a Wonderful Life, When Harry met Sally and Sex in the City (who would have thought).
He is also the first person ever to feature on a commemorative bottle of Coca Cola in 2009.
Robert Burns was ahead of his time, but at last time has caught up with him. So for the larrikin and rascal in all you laddies:
Lassies, please seize ye’r drinks and raise ye’r glasses I propose a toast; here’s tae the laddies, we love you really!
